1. Your Face Is As Smooth As A Baby’s Buttocks.

Beards are the manifestation of manliness on a man’s face. Think about every depiction of the manliest men ever depicted – think about the gods. Zeus, Odin, and even Jesus Christ are all normatively depicted wearing very impressive beards. Why? Because beards are the pinnacle of male attribution. Every successful man has a beard. Well, okay, maybe not every successful man. But Abraham Lincoln had a beard, and he was a pretty successful guy. Odds are, if you shave your facial hair on a daily basis, you’re neglecting your masculinity because of culturally construed norms that you as a man are not supposed to corporeally express your masculinity.

Additionally, growing a beard, according to a Russian Orthodox Old Believer metropolitan, might prevent you from being flamboyantly homosexual. Metropolitan Kornily, Primate of the Russian Orthodox Old Believer Church (RPSC) called on Russian men in June 2017 to stop shaving to “protect themselves from homosexuality,” according to the Moscow Times.

So stop shaving, because it’s turning you into less of a man. Do you want to live and look like a little boy your whole life, or do you want to strike the likeness of a god? Your call. 

2. You Play Too Many Video Games.

Okay, now everyone has to admit that pursuing a career of professional gaming has popped up in the back of their mind at least once in their lifetime. Who wouldn’t want to spend the majority of their day parked in front of a televisions screen with a controller in hand, snacking on Doritos and chugging Mountain Dew? You wouldn’t, because you’re not a lazy sack of self-gratifying garbage. 

In 2014, a market research company named The NPD Group conducted a study of “core gamers,” defined as individuals who spend more than five hours a week playing games on consoles or computers. Such a definition reveals 34 million core gamers in the United States alone, averaging approximately 22 hours of gaming per week. 22 hours per week. That is literally the amount of time demanded from a part-time job. Do you know how much is achievable with 20 hours of dedication per week? 

With 22 hours of free time per week, you could work even a part-time minimum wage job and bring in over $500-$600/month, which you could use to pay for dates, buy new clothes, or rent a cheap apartment/room. You could start an internet movement and invest four hours into content-creating and advertising per day on the weekdays. You could hit the gym and stop worrying about what people will think of your flabby, pallid physique next summer. With 20+ hours of free time per week, the amount of productivity you could achieve is only limited by your imagination. Why in the world would you want to spend it shooting zombie Nazis in a digital dystopia? 

3. You Think That Reading Is ‘Too Hard’. 

According to the Pew Research Center, only seven-in-ten American adults (72%) have read a book in the past year. This number is particularly disturbing, because if the average novel is a liberal 100,000 words, and if the average person can read 250 words per minute, then it should take less than seven hours of reading time to finish a considerably long novel. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald is clocked in at under 3 hours to finish reading, The Scarlet Letter at 3.5, and Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison at a little over 5. Claiming that reading is “too hard” is typically done by those who have never picked up a book that they have felt passionate about. 

Even the most formidable of literary achievements do not take over a ridiculous amount of time. The entire Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien, measured at approx. 473,000 words, would take about 26 hours to read, and War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy, which is over 100,000 words longer, would take under 33 hours to complete. Maybe instead of playing video games for upwards of 22 hours per week, you could hone your manliness by putting your literary skills to the test. Literacy rates, after all, are objectively more important than honing your no-scoping skills on the newest Call of Duty rehash. 

4. An Integral Part Of Your Identity Is A Football Team. 

Sports are great. Seriously, they’re a source of invoking manly comradery, and hey, who doesn’t like watching large sweaty men wrestle over a ball of pigskin? It’s the crux of many familial and social relationships, and when two men have little in common, resorting to a discussion about sports is always a safe choice. 

But, there are plenty of people who take the whole sports things too far. You know who I’m talking about. I’m talking about the man who will attend every game his team plays on, regardless of other social experiences he could be missing out on. I’m talking about the family who decorates every room in their house with their team’s merchandise. I’m talking about the lifeless men who have nothing to define them except for a group of athletic elites who will never know he exists. 

Odds are, if you match the description given above but insist that it’s “just a hobby,” you’re probably a father in his late 30s who believes that Fantasy Football is the greatest digital app ever invented. 

5. You Believe That Welcoming Refugees Into Your Country Is A Civil And/Or Moral Obligation.

Yes. Believing that nationalism and the insistence that one’s culture should be preserved by restricting the amount of foreign nationals residing within one’s borders classifies you as the ultimate beta male. Inexplicably, there are those who believe that it is somehow a civil and/or moral obligation to invite men from other, less-developed countries into their cities, and celebrate the “cultural enrichment” that such multiculturalism denotes.  

This is arguably the most distinguishable tenant of a beta male’s identity, as it is the blatant invitation for other males, from other cultural, racial, religious, and social background, to flood into their homes, taking advantage of political systems and ushering in the abolition of indigenous European peoples. The commission of white genocide by males in the name of tolerance, progress, and radical inclusion, equates to nothing less than generational suicide, the most beta action a man can possibility commit. 

The solution to this reprehensible insistence? Begin taking pride in your racial and cultural heritage. Trace your family lineage and discover who you are and what your people have historically stood for. Seek to preserve your people with honor, and recognize the difference between men who are you friends and men who are your enemies.