Yesterday, while minding my own business at the local McDonald’s trying to masterfully articulate the glory of Kek in a secret Facebook group dedicated to ridding the world of black people, I experienced one of the most horrific instances of cultural appropriation. Did you think that white people wearing dreadlocks was oppressive? Or perhaps you thought that the Washington Redskins’ logo evoked racist connotations? These two examples are nothing compared to the atrocity that I witnessed approximately 24 hours ago.

As I was sitting at a booth in McDonald’s listening to D.J. xx_RedPilled69_420’s remix of the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic theme song, my eyes beheld the monstrous sight of an Asian man purchasing a cheeseburger. I was shocked at first. I couldn’t believe my own eyes and quickly began shaking. This monster of a human being had the nerve to walk into McDonald’s, an establishment founded on the ideas and dedication of white America and culturally appropriate my culture for his own selfish satisfaction. I was literally scared for my life, unsure if he would turn violent after committing such a crime against my culture and identity. This Asian man disrespected me as a human being in every way, disregarding my identity and emotions just so that he could be a cold, heartless prick.

Immediately after retreating to my college campus’s safe space, I used my MacBook to express the act of intolerance and hate committed before my very eyes. I ran a quick Google search to determine whether the cultural appropriation of white culture by Asian people was a normative thing, and sure enough, I was confronted with the most xenophobic image on the internet:

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asian peopleI was literally triggered at the sight of blatant racism and hatred portrayed above. Not only are Asian people eating McDonald’s cheeseburgers, which are the proud product of white men, but they are hijacking my culture by appropriating a part of my personal identity into their own context.

For those who feel that my thoughts and feelings on this matter are ridiculous or uncalled for, consider the following definition of cultural apporpiation as provided by Prof. Susan Scafidi:

“[Cultural appropriation is the] taking [of] intellectual property, traditional knowledge, cultural expressions, or artifacts from someone else’s culture without permission. This can include unauthorized use of another culture’s dance, dress, music, language, folklore, cuisine, traditional medicine, religious symbols, etc.”

It invalidates me as a person when Asian people eat cheeseburgers. Asians have no right to steal the traditional cuisine produced by white Americans and eat it as if it somehow belongs to them. White Americans have labored long and hard to produce the food that McDonald’s now cranks out, and when xenophobic assholes like the squinty-eyed chink who ordered a Big Mac and a large Diet Coke yesterday feel as if they’re entitled to partake of my identity, then they are appropriating my culture and should be dragged out into the street and shot.

And do not dismiss my feelings with the plain fact that intermingling cultures have the right to “borrow” from each other. This is just an easy cop-out to defend the Asian people who repeatedly rob from me and other white Americans in history the credit that we deserve. It is yellow-washing the great achievements made by the white race and promotes a racist agenda that lies dormant in Asian culture. Cultural appropriation is indefensible, and those who actively or passively participate, knowingly or unknowingly, should assimilate to my ideology. After all, it’s the current year and people should willingly go along with whatever narrative I declare is offensive and should be unable to tell me otherwise.

I require reparations and all Asian people should now be considered “privileged” for their inconsiderate boldness when it comes to the cuisine of my people. If you disagree with me, then it is only because you don’t know what it is like to be white and discriminated against by such clear acts of intolerance. In the immortal words of Louis C.K., “When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”

 

(This column is pure satire and intended to ruthlessly mock typical SJW arguments.)