Superintendent Provides Students with Buckets of Rocks to throw at School Shooters as a Method of Defense

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In an astoundingly idiotic and absurd statement reminiscent to snarky satire, a school superintendent in Pennsylvania has stated that the children in his school are capable of protecting themselves, in the event of a mass shooter, with rocks- Not through armed guards monitoring the premises, bulletproof glass, or safety precautions, but by throwing rocks at shooters that enter the classrooms.

In a statement akin to Old Testament law, the superintendent said: “Every classroom has been equipped with a five-gallon bucket of river stone. If an armed intruder attempts to gain entrance into any of our classrooms, they will face a classroom full of students armed with rocks and they will be stoned…”

One student, evidently satisfied with the plan, stated that “It matters because it will help protect the schools, anything helps, rocks are better than books and pencils.”

While some perceive the proposed policy as being relatively feasible, others believe it to be absolutely absurd, and a fantastical idea that only appears to address the issue while being largely ineffective. This latter opinion was expressed by one disgruntled parent who stated “It’s absurd, arm the teachers.” 

Thankfully, this latter opinion seems to reflect the perspective of a larger majority of citizens, despite Superintendent Helsel allegedly refusing to consider the benefits of arming instructors. Lawmakers elsewhere in the United States aim to take more effective action to deter gun violence- not by depriving citizens of their Constitutional rights, or implementing an absurd policy in which students are expected to take up rocks to defend themselves, but by ensuring the successful, efficient instruction of firearm use by teachers in schools.

According to the Hill, “ The Florida House Appropriations Committee approved a bill Tuesday to implement measures to prevent future school shootings, including a $67 million program to train teachers to carry guns.”

While many might be hesitant of adopting a policy that arms instructors on school campuses, a recent example of this policy in action demonstrates its effectiveness and authenticity; In the recent shooting at a Maryland school, the shooter was stopped almost instantaneously by a 34 year old trained officer who was serving as the School’s resource officer who ran towards the sound of gunfire on the first floor. 

Policies implementing similarly trained officers and security guards, as well as instructional courses on firearms for teachers, is an absolute necessity in securing our schools. We ensure the safety of our children, and the determent of mass shooters, not by disarming our citizens and leaving them vulnerable, but by guaranteeing that those in charge of our children’s education are indeed educated themselves, regarding our right to bear arms. 

The Constitution guarantees American citizens the irrefutable, inalienable right to bear arms, and such an intrinsic right must be exercised against all foes, both foreign and domestic. While law enforcement ideally seeks to preserve the law, a firearm within the hand of a well-trained citizen will always be more effective in protecting our children, than an emergency operator on the other end of the phone line.